my plague.

i've come to the conclusion that i hate vietnamese people. the old fashioned ones. the ones who think they can judge me because i'm not a fucking cookie cutter vietnamese girl. the ones who make me feel like a disgrace to the culture.

alotta people know that i don't speak vietnamese. i do understand though. just everyday language, the stuff my mom says to me. that's the only vietnamese i know. everything my mom's ever said to me. i didn't learn any vietnamese from anybody else but my mom. i grew up an only child with a single mother. i lost my vietnamese during elementary school. my mom was always working. i was at school. during the first few years of elementary school, i was always sent to a babysitter's. they were vietnamese so i still had my vietnamese at that time. but then this boy attacked me, and i told my mom i never wanted to go back there ever again. she never made me go back. i started staying home alone. so after school, i'd always be outside with my neighborhood friends. eventually, my vietnamese just left me since i only saw my mom at night. she had also started dating this chinese guy, so we spoke english around him. i haven't spoken vietnamese in over 10 years. i can't even formulate a proper sentence in my head if you told me to translate a phrase from english to vietnamese. it's not natural anymore. i know that alotta people, esp. viet speakers, don't get it. yall think it's easy. it's not that easy.

i don't think this defines me as a person. it doesn't make me any less of a person. i don't think i should be talked down on because of it. and even if you CAN speak and it doesn't sound super vietnamese and fobby, adults STILL talk about how poor your vietnamese is. WTF?

i know a few people that can relate.

i talked to B earlier, and he made me feel a little less alone. he lost it when he was super young as well. just because his parents started talking alot of english. B also told me about how a friend's family gave him shit about it and would talk shit about him right in front of his face. they called him "dumb" and "fat". i just can't even believe that! that's bullshit. he can understand as much as me, and that's enough to get by. i think he's learned to deal it with better than me though. thanks B, love you! ♥

i talked to my optometrist a few months ago. she's a real cool chick! she's older of course.. has a kid. but she's badass. my mom is friends with her mom, so we went over to their house. i sat there talking to her about tons of stuff! i thought it'd be weird cuz she's old but we relate soooo much! she's kinda like me in the way where she's not super vietnamese. she doesn't really speak it. she doesn't really speak it to her kid either! we had a long talk about how we hate the old traditional vietnamese people. she told me that when patients come in to get their eyes checked and she knows they're vietnamese, she'll still speak english to them. just because. the next thing she told me is just forever tattooed in my brain.

"This is America. I have nothing to prove."

basically sayin', i have nothing to prove to you. she feels like she shouldn't feel pressured to impress them. to kiss up to them. all that shit. anyone who needs a really nice optometrist, get at me!

i've actually encountered one really big family that didn't care. they were awesome and super welcoming. even the grandma spoke english to me, wtf? haha. but that's just one in a million huh? they made me feel comfortable and at home.

it's just really aggravating and upsetting to me. it makes me really uncomfortable. awkward.. out of place.. etc. maybe i'm just too americanized. i don't know. but i guess i go along with american culture. in the way where a simple hello and goodbye are okay. where when you're a guest in someone's house, the host takes care of everything and the only expectation they have of you is to sit and relax. i just think this way because that's how my mom is. she doesn't care if you speak vietnamese to her. it doesn't change how much she likes you. she likes you based on your character and what you show her. i noticed the people she likes more don't even speak vietnamese to her. they speak english but they act super friendly. she loves that shit! also when we have people over, she likes to cater to them like crazzy.

"want food? want ice cream? lemme get this plate out of your way. are you thirsty? do you want a smoothie?"

that's just where i get it.